lost in thought

I've been thinking about things lately.. specifically what I really wanted. Thoughts come and go.. And I am not sure with myself and what I really want to do. Do I want my postgraduate? yes, of course, but then do I really want to go and study Down Under? I think that's the one that really bothers me. I like that such opportunity did come my way, I'm glad about it but... then there's the "but"..

I was really willing it to happen two years ago after I've graduated in college. That was the plan, take my postgraduate degree down there, but now, I'm not sure at all if this is really what I wanted after all... Is it because it is something new? I guess not, I want something new.. something different to spice it all. Because I'm scared? hmm.. not really, I'm sure looking forward to it! I want to see the world! The world through my eyes.. hmm.. sounds pleasing.. ^^, I just don't understand what I really wanted. Aya had applied with me and we both got in into Monash University. I wanted to go together too but then there's always this part of me wanting to try and do it alone. I'd love to be with her.. It's fun and I know it will be awesome, yet somehow there's this side of me thinking what if.. just what if I go separately?? And then there's our relatives down there.. It feels like such a crowd for me. It's family, yes.. yet sometimes I feel suffocated. I want to do things my way, and thinking about what it can be down there I don't think it's that bad but I know some things will just be restricted.

Restricting and limiting.. Maybe that's what I am afraid of. It's different if you are living with your mom and dad and it's another thing if you are living with just the relatives. The thought makes me feel uncomfortable and maybe it is there where my anxiety, my skepticism rests.. It's just different. And then I had this crazy thought last Monday. lol. As I browse through google... I thought, I really want to 'go and see the queen'!! And then here is now.. I'm nervously waiting on the results of my crazy thoughts! hahaha.. I wish mom and dad will approve if ever the favor is in me and I wish Aya will still love me and forgive me even if I didn't ask her to join me..

Another 'I don't know why' but it is this that I wanted to look forward to more than Down Under. Er.. now I feel crazy.. am I looking for some solitary confinement?? I hope not.. I just want to explore and discover more by myself even just for once in my lifetime. I know this will be different and I wish I can nail it! God! Please let it be in my favor! I really want it so badly.. I want this option to work more than that of the former.. It makes me swoon just thinking about it and what will be of me if it does happen! I can't stop thinking about it and now I really want the next few weeks to pass by unnoticed so that I won't be bearing the dragging days before I receive the results.. Anticitpating and waiting always kills me thousands of times. It makes me excited and yet I know I can't be for sure.. I want to hope but I know I need to wait.. er.. save me!! I think I need help.. I need to update my social life!!! date please dear friends! I need distractions to keep me occupied and so I can enjoy my lovely rainy days!

Two to three more weeks..  make it happen please!!! ♥ can't wait any longer but still I am willing to endure the waiting days... ~ ~ ~ until then!


forever hopeful and wishing!♥